How to get your teenager to talk to you

"Mom, you will never believe what Jacob did today! He called me a nerd for the millionth time this year. I am so sick of him! So I told him exactly what I thought of him and made fun of him for getting loser grades."

Ok, parents. This is the critical moment. What you say next will have her either rolling her eyes, giving you an attitude, or perhaps...just maybe....keep talking to you about her day. There are so many things on our minds today that everyday moments like this put your brain on "autopilot". You do what comes naturally: teach, judge, critique, help, comment, and lastly, give your opinion. All of which satisfies us, but turns the teenager off. Let's try it out. Here are some things you may have been thinking of while reading the comments above:

"Jacob must like you, that's why he calls you names."

"Calling Jacob a loser is mean, I raised you better than that."

"Be proud of being a nerd. Nerds rule the world!"

I can assure you all of this will annoy your teen and she will probably stop talking about Jacob at this point. Most teens don't come home from school looking for another person to make them feel bad about themselves. Although your intentions are not that, your teen hears this: "Now I am a loser too. My mom thinks I am a nerd too, along with the rest of the school. I am not the kid she wanted, she wants someone who behaves better than me."

So how do you get your point across, guide them to be the best they can be, and still keep them talking and respecting their opinion? By listening. By allowing them to figure it out themselves. However, that may involve a lot of "biting your tongue", putting aside your ego, and basically, waiting it out. No autopilot here....this is your time to be "on"!

Here's another way this conversation can go:

"Mom you will never believe what Jacob did today! He called me a nerd for the millionth time this year. I am so sick of him! So I told him exactly what I thought of him and made fun of him for getting loser grades."

"Hmmm. You sound frustrated."

"I am! I can't stand Jacob!"

"Why do you think he calls you a nerd every day?"

"I don't know, maybe he's jealous because his grades aren't that good."

"I wonder what will happen tomorrow?"

"He'll probably call me a nerd again. I guess if I don't react, he might stop. I'm going to try that tomorrow."

By listening and trying to figure out how your teen is feeling, it proves you care and are listening. By asking questions, instead of giving suggestions, you are treating your teen as if she is smart enough to figure it out on his own...which she is. Granted, it may not always work out this smoothly, and your young adult may wonder why you aren't "preaching". Sometimes, my daughter will actually call me out and say, "I know you think I'm dumb!" That's when you hold tight....do not engage!! Continue to keep your judgements inside and repeat in another way.."Wow! You really sound as if you are down on yourself today. Well, I love you anyway!"

The biggest trick...saying those words when you may not really feel that way in the moment!!