How to connect with your teenager

Parents of teenagers, do you remember the days of hugs, kisses, late night snuggles, and tears when you left your child for a night out? These were the signs we were loved, we were appreciated! Somewhere along the 13th year, these signs dwindled and I found myself searching for a different sign, letting me know I was still loved and appreciated. It hasn't been easy, but I found a few nuggets...almost like finding a needle in a haystack. You need to be diligent in searching, but they are there.

I admit though, those occasional "crumbs" my children throw at me aren't really enough. I have found that begging doesn't work, neither does explaining to them my "feelings are hurt". Apparently, their developing minds simply cannot grasp this concept, so I must seize the moment and create these feelings on my own. No more depending on them to feel appreciated, so I found something that works for me.

A journal. No, not your standard diary that you pour your pathetic thoughts into and boohoo about all the things you want and aren't getting. This is a journal that is meant to be read by others, specifically your teen.

I went out and bought two beautiful journals, one for each daughter. I showed it to them and told them I would be writing them letters, whenever the mood struck me, and would leave it on their beds to read when they wanted. If they wanted to write back...no pressure...no time limit. If they didn't...fine. They were seemingly unimpressed, but I moved forward, and wrote my first letter. It was short, it didn't preach...it simply told them how much I loved them and listed a few things I admired about them as people.

Several years have gone by and the journals are 3/4 full. To be honest, the majority are letters from me, but you guessed it...they did write back. We use them for "touchy subjects", like sex and boys, since some details are difficult to say and also hear. Somehow, writing about them seems easier...and easier for my girls to ask questions they may otherwise be too embarrassed to ask. We write in them if we are angry too....it keeps us from saying things we shouldn't, and taking the time to explain things the way we should. Sometimes, when they are at school and I find myself missing them, I will just write that, and leave it on their bed to see when they get home.

The journals have given me a way to express my love, my confusion, and my questions, all without the annoying, "Mom, please!" while I am mid-thought. They have given the girls a chance to question and sometimes apologize, without losing face. Yes, there are times I have filled a page with my undying, unconditional love, only to be met by silence. I hold my tongue, and know that they read it...they feel it...and I do not need to be reassured. They do.